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1. Wot
Woz It Like In The Holden Days?
* Alf is being
witty about how old Audrey is and somehow talks himself into a trip to
the zoo.
2. The Monkey With The Funny Coloured Bum
* All is sweet and nice at the zoo until
little Billy meets a baboon.
3. God's Spy Ole
* Even a cheerful tuneful Audrey can't resist
putting her two penn'orth in when Alf has a go at God.
4. Mam's Thighs
* Alf has finally rolled his sleeves up for
some DIY, Billy is still mitherin' of course and Audrey can't take a joke.
5. Two Wheelers, Influence & Wee
* Sunday for Alf starts with eggs and bacon
but this one ends with sewage and sticklebacks
6. Ragbone & Dad's Brown Mac
* His old brown mac may only be fit for
the bin but it's worth more than a bow and arrow to Alf!
7. Marbles
* Billy's skill with marbles leaves a lot
to be desired so dad gives him some tips. It turns out that Billy is a
bit of a flirt as well.
8. Fixing The Window
* Replacing broken windows, putty throwing
and make-up artistry - is there no end to Alf's skills?
9. Bonfire Night
* There's
no rest for the wicked tonight as Billy pesters dad into making him a
Guy Fawkes - just to throw on the fire!
10. Fog & Dad's Bike Lamp
* It's a real pea-souper and Billy 'borrows'
dad's bike lamp to explore, only to have a row with a lamp post.
11. Can I 'Ave A Budgie?
* In his quest for a budgie Billy doesn't
understand the word 'no'. He finally settles for a zedgie.. a 'zedgie'??!!
12. Dad's Coat & The Scruffy Dog
* "I can't have a budgie and I can't
find a zedgie" thinks Billy "so I'll catch a pigeon!" But
what with?
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. The Tooth Fairy
* His loose tooth could earn him some money
but, even so, Billy won't let dad pull it out. Bollards Audrey!
2. Split The Kipper
* Michael Morris and the games boys play
and final proof for Audrey of why males are stupid - it's all here.
3. Taking The Plaster Off
* You'd think they would design plasters
that stay sticky even when they're dipped in school dinners!
4. Hiccups
* Even the hiccups can't shut Billy up
but even so Alf has a lot of fun trying to cure them for him.
5. Good Mood Or Bad Mood?
* Billy and his mam work very hard to change
a happy Alf into a grumpy one. And they succeed!
6. The Runaway
* When you're only nearly eight and you're
caught trying to smoke rolled up paper, running away seems a good option!
7. Wot's Yer Belly Button For?
* Here's a lesson in the many uses of
a belly button but be careful you don't end up in the old tin bath.
8. The Old Tin Bath
* Audrey drags it in from the backyard and
fills it with a small pan, Billy takes the plunge, and Alf takes the michael!
9. Chapped Legs
* Rolled down wellies may well
look cool, but red rings round your legs feel hot!
10. Will You Fix Mi Roller Skate?
* Alf and grandad have gone to the pub for
a livener and need a lie down when they get home.
11. Dad's Black Eye
* Oh dear! Alf's used to waking up with
a hangover but this time he's got a shiner too! What happened?
12. The Snowball
* It's playtime for the boys as the snow
piles up in the Bradshaws backyard. And Alf forgets to duck.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Empty Bottles
* Billy wants a bubbly gum but he's sent
for corned dog, woodbines, swan vesta - and he'll never bemember all that!
2. Bent Cigs & Corndog
* Alf is waiting for Billy to fetch
his fags but everything is an adventure - even going to the corner shop.
3. Politics & Beans
* The boys are talking about politics
and other intellectual matters and Audrey brings them back to basics.
4. The Clubman Cometh
* Now and then into everybody's life
comes an unwelcome caller and then it's time to hide behind the sofa!
5. Tea-Time
* Audrey's haute cuisine consists
of wrong-shaped peas and cardboard pastry - but at least the rice puddings
hot!
6. Whit Walks
* Whit Week is the time for processions,
brass bands, pipe bands, new clothes and money from your auntie.
7. Love Letters
* Ooh, romance is in the air in
the home of the Bradshaws -and tears too, as dad teases Billy over his
letter writing.
8. Pickles
* Memories of S.W.A.L.K. (and a
few you might not know) stir the floozie in Audrey and Alf's defence is
eating pickles.
9. Mam's Headache & Rickers
* Poor Audrey is suffering so Billy's
rhythm and Alf's usual compassion do nothing to help.
10. Heaster Heggs
* Billy and his mam dabble in a little
seasonal craftwork and dad explains why eggs are egg-shaped.
11. Fun At The Fair
* Poor Alf is dragged, moaning,
to the travelling fair and bravely takes a turn on the big wheel - a turn
for the worse!
12. Two Balls
*
There are games for boys and games for girls and games for boys and girls
together. Alf gets ideas.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Vimto Lollies
* After an hour on the lav, a refreshing ice-cream is just what is needed.
A lolly with a bit missing doesn't do it for Alf.
2. As Alf As A Newt
* After a good gargle Alf is up for a singsong and Billy would love to
hear him. Audrey has other ideas
3. Sleeping Out
* Pyjamas in his dufflebag and wearing clean underpants (with a big fly'ole!)
little Billy is off to Michael's.
4. Lying In
* It's lovely and snug in mam and dad's big bed until Alf does a crafty
one!
5. A Mouse's Tale
* With Billy on another planet and his mam standing on a chair, Alf sets
out to block up the mouse's hole!
6. Family Album
* School photos are not cheap but Billy is worth spending
on just this once. So let's have a look at the other photos!
7. Tupenny All-Off
* Slack underpants and a haircut by Audrey The Demon Barber all add up
to fun and games for little Billy.
8. Kites & Woodpeckers
* Billy trades a bit of naughty gossip for the price of a kite and Audrey's
all of a fluddle. Enter Alf the kitemaker!
9. Dirty Washing
* Pets, rainhats and parachutes, Betty Morris and the coalman, more than
enough to keep Audrey occupied.
10. Home & Aways
* Poor Alf just wants to listen to the wireless for the football results.
In the Bradshaws house? No chance!
11. Art For Art Sake
* Little Billy Rembrandt is keeping his paintbrush wet by dipping it in
dad's false teeth jamjar - happy days!
12. Press-ups & An' All That
* Despite (or is it because of?) a few hard-earned pins Alf can still
do his press-ups - with sound effects!
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Lumber In Slumber
* Sometimes a man can't do right for doing
wrong - and being asleep at the time is no excuse either!
2. Liver & Honions
* A quiet chat around the dinner table
is a civilised thing to do. Quiet?.. chat?.. civilised?.. maybe next time.
3. Audrey Tries Her Luck
* Audrey's collecting
Acdo box tops to try and win a trip to Torremonalisa for Penis Colorados
by the pool.
4. Postman's Knock
*
High drama in the home of the Bradshaws as Audrey gets a winning letter!
5. Fluff In The Loft
*
Ooh er! You never know what you might find when you go rooting about in
the attic!
6. The Waiting Game
*
When Alf hogs the outside lav, Billy has a pee in the grid. Never mind
Audrey, boys will be boys!
7. Morecambe Deadline
*
When trains had no corridors there was no escape from strangers - so this
particular dead lady couldn't escape.
8. Keeping Your Head Down
*
The Bradshaws made friends on their holiday - so why do they hide when
'friends' knock at their door?
9. Down The Entry
*
When their new 'friends' won't give up and go it's time to escape, but
Ada Woods almost blows their cover!
10. Settee Secrets
*
There are some strange things to be found down the back of a settee.
11. This Sporting Life
*
It's sports day at Billy's school and Alf has plenty to say about the
competitors and teachers too.
12. Parlour Games
*
Billy gets a visit from Winifred Dutton and, after a few minutes in the
parlour, gets a taste for girls games.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Humpty Dumpty
* There are some things we have to do as a child to gain wisdom, and falling
off a wall on your head is one of them.
2. Penny Blacks & Penny Arrow Bars
* When a child says 'touch black no swops back' it's as good as a contract
-unless Alf is your dad!
3. Don't Say Circus
* Billy is warned not to annoy his dad by mentioning the 'you know what',
but Alf fancies the girl in the leotard.
4. Piling On The Agony
* In order of importance, being chased by a dog or not being able to build
a blanket tent, relief from piles is top.
5. When Playing Out Was In
* Hopscotch, heading a ball on the wall until you go daft and tucking
your frock in your knickers - proper fun!
6. Little Lodgers
* Here's an occasion we'll never forget - brace yourself for the nit comb
treatment!
7. The Wood In The Hole
* Billy and Audrey are going in and out of the house like a fiddlers elbow
but no-one ever shuts the door.
8. A Touchy Subject
* Audrey finds a rude drawing in Billy's bedroom and decides it's time
Alf had quiet word with him.
9. A Woman's Lot
* Mam seems a bit grumpy and Billy thinks it's because he nicked all the
raisins, but Alf knows better.
10. If
* Seeing as she can't afford to buy a new frock, she's off to Betty Morris's
to sew one up - unfortunately for Alf, without Billy.
11. A Push Too Far
* New neighbours in the street provide Billy with a new friend - and he's
not as soft as Alf thinks!
12. No Match For Alf
* It's the school footie match and the kids parents have turned out to
cheer them on. Of course Alf is the loudest.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. The Mind Boggles
* Billy has homework to do and Audrey very
kindly offers to help - with some interesting answers.
2. School Baths
* You'd think Billy would be looking forward
to going swimming - but would you, in knitted trunks?
3. Tread Carefully
* When there's a smell of muck around Billy's
feet, mam and dad think it's on the outside of his wellies - oh no it
isn't!
4. Strictly Speaking
* Alf fixes the ewbank, gives Billy a lecture
on discipline, and gives Ada Woods both barrrels.
5. Sunday Names
* Hanty Pamela has managed to wind Alf up
again, and it sparks a debate on nicknames - so what is Audrey short for?
6. We Know What You're Doing
* Billy and Michael come home unexpectedly
and mam looks flushed. Too young to notice?
7. Female Logic
* The outside lav has frozen because Audrey
removed the lagging from the pipes, for a perfectly good reason. Eh?
8. Give Them A Wave
* The lad needs a good scrub but it's too
late to drag the tin bath in. It's a stand-up wash in the sink for you
Billy!
9. No Laughing Matter
* Alf persuades Hanty Pamela to leave by
firing off a couple of good reasons - and Billy gets a fit of the giggles.
10. Collecting
* Most children collect things for a hobby
and, as most parents were children once, it isn't surprising that they
did - or is it?
11. Eccles Cakes
* Poor Alf! He can't even have an eccles
cake without somebody taking a bite out of it.
12. Tongue Twisters
* Billy's having trouble getting his tongue
round some words, and Alf manages it without his teeth.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Early Birds
* The darkest hour is just before dawn. Especially
when people nick your toast and tea before you go to work!
2. Horse Sense
* Waste not, want not. That's the motto as
Alf wanders through the house with a prezzie from the ragbone man's horse.
3. Being A Darer
* Audrey gets no thanks from grandad after
taking his dinner round, and then gets touchy as Alf winds her up.
4. All Mod Cons
* Billy gets a dinky car from mam and there's
a prezzie for Alf too - a special ashtray.
5. Wet Keks & Aniseed Balls
* Fun and games with massive knickers and
huge underpants as the clothes rack falls on Audrey's head.
6. Taters
* Alf may well struggle to carry home a big
bag of spuds, but he's still in trouble for treading on Billy's dinky
car.
7. A Round Meal
* Billy gets a pat on the back from dad as
he depth charges his submarine in the sink - and swallows a marble!
8. Just Passing Through
* It's going to take a few doses of castor
oil to shift the marble and Alf won't be watching out for it.
9. Toy Fighting
* Billy's being quiet for a change and it
makes Alf nervous. He picks at him until it ends up in a fight.
10. After The Fire
* It's the morning after bonfire
night and Billy and his pals have been poking through the ashes for treasure.
11. Wrap Up
* It's a thrill for Billy to be going to
the match with his dad, and Audrey wants to make sure he's dressed up
warm.
12. The Last Straw
* Well, it had to happen. Alf has pushed
Audrey too far and she's leaving, taking Billy with her. Well nearly.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Playing Chicken
* We've
all played knocking on doors and running away - 'running away' being the
key words!
2. Rudiments
*
Billy's piano playing and singing is like a fork
on a plate for Alf - and the fun starts when Audrey joins in.
3. Auntie Pamela's Jumper
*
Prezzie come in all sizes but when Audrey's sister knits them, they come
in all shapes too.
4. A Helping Hand
*
Alf finally gets round to painting the woodwork - and then Audrey and
Billy decide to help .
5. The Posh Cat
* Alf's armchair snoring tempts Billy down from bed to tell mam
about a kitten going for free.
6. Wotsisname?
*
Who would believe it? Billy finally gets a pet! -
But what shall we call it?
7. Open Wide
*
Oh dear! Someone leaves the door open and the kitten is nowhere to be
found.
8. Puddled
*
It's pouring down outside and Billys pal Michael comes in to dry off.
But he's a soft target for Alf.
9. A Baisinful
*
Tonight it's a treat as Audrey is sent off to the
chipshop in the rain while Alf butters his bread - and margarines theirs.
10. Taking The Ball In
* Alf whacks Billy's ball and, being
on elastic, it comes straight back and whacks him in the nethers.
11. Beetle Drive
*
Old terraced houses have more than humans living in them. Billy and dad
prepare to surprise a few creepy crawlies.
12. Over The Top
*
Little boys have great fun weeing up instead of
down and Billy and his pals get it right over the school yard wall!
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Wash Carts & Hand Carts
* Audrey's wash-cart has a wobbly
wheel, and billy gets a grilling from his dad about stolen fags!
2. God Bothering
*
The Salvation Army Band are on the march and the family are out to enjoy
them - well, two out of three.
3. Pitch Black
*
The sun melts the tar and Billy pops pitch bubbles with a lolly stick
- and ends up with a sticky black willy.
4. Folies Backyard
*
It's showtime in the backyard with mam and dad watching the little thespians
- don't be so vulgar!
5. Holiday Fun
*
When the penny arcade gets boring you can always stay in the caravan and
play cards - Heads Alf wins, tails you lose!
6. No Flies On Alf
*
All good things have to end and it's home they go - but what's all that
buzzing in the house?
7. Itchy Bum
*
Audrey's off to aunty Pamelas and Alf's looking forward to minding wittering
willy? - I don't think so!
8. Sweet Dreams
*
Even after mam sings a lullaby, Billy can't get to sleep. Enter dad to
tell him a story.
9. Pull Up A Pew
*
The Bradshaws are in church to watch Uncle Wally One-ball get married
again - I hope God's got a sense of humour!
10. Monopoly Night
*Alf
has a flair for big business as Audrey asks for tick, and Billy has a
wobbler - but revenge is sweet!
11. Guessing Games
*
Alf has actually bought Audrey a birthday present and Billy's sworn to
secrecy - yeah, sure!
12. Different Worlds
*
A visit to the outside lav can be an adventure - especially when the pipes
are frozen.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Zippa Dee Doodah
* When your mam catches you
weeing in the grid, you pull your zip up quick - but put your willy away
first!
2. A Chip Off The Old Block
* Forecasting the weather is
not one of Alf's strong point, as father and son stroll back from the
shop.
3. Down To The Wood
* Alf has a new toy to play
with - hair clippers - and poor Billy gets to be the guinea pig.
4. Teef & Toytoises
* "Can I have a toytoise?"
- a reasonable question. "N. bloody O." - a reasonable answer.
5. Twinkletoes & The Water Buffalo
* Audrey's waitress service
gets an order for bung on toast, and Alf says no to a dance.
6. To Sleep Or Not To Sleep
*A
late night cheese feast sends Billy sleepwalking and Audrey sets the alarm
- so they can have a lie-in?
7. Shove Ha'penny
* Grandad gives Billy an old
board game and tells him all about the local fleapit.
8. Outdoor Pursuits
* A daytrip to Blackpool to
take in the sights - a hairy mary, peeing off the pier and a couple swopping
spit.
9. Man's All Heart
* A tipsy Alf backs a winner
and treats the family - to a hair-do(?) and something off the ha'penny(?)
tray.
10. Who's For Pudding?
* After three mojos, some kali
and a spanish, Billy can't eat his tea -
but he's still hungry for pudding.
11. Nuts & Razors
* When a bald coconut and a
blunt razor turn up together, there's only one suspect!
12. A Little Bit Of Privateness
* Billy is on guard duty while
mam gets in the tin-bath, but dad just won't stay out.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Jumble Sale
* Billy Bradshaw and best pal
Michael Morris are selling some of their old toys but when Alf tools are
sold, expect trouble!
2. Blowing Your Own Trumpet
* Music practice develops into
a bugle-blowing contest and dad nearly has a cullinary trombonist.
3. Embrocation Wrong Location
* The lad's bike-weary legs
get some T.L.C. from Alf but there are some places to keep clear of Fiery
Jack!
4. Just For Luck
* Wittering Willy is really
on form and Audrey gets a lesson from Alf on how to get rid of mithering
gipsies.
5. Bye Bye Tater Pie
* After fixing Billy's bike
Alf is hungry. But Audrey has plans for a communal diet that doesn't include
pastry!
6. Gobstopping
* Sherbert dip is a favourite
with little Billy but a gobstopper gets Alf's vote - especially cos it's
going in Billy's gob!
7. No More No Thanks
* The gobstopper has worked
and talking is a struggle, but it doesn't stop Billy's ears from wagging.
8. One On One Off
* Audrey is off to town, shopping
for camping stuff for the lads.
Who's nicked her other stocking, I wonder?
9. Dangling Spiders Mysterious Holes
* Toy soldiers dangled on a
string from an upstairs window can sometimes look like spiders.
10. A Good Game
* Let's hear about games invented
by girls just for snogging practice, and Alf's cure for chapped lips.
11. Pumptures, Pain & Pot Dogs
* Billy's punctured tyre is
fixed and off he zooms - mind you don't hurt yourself Billy!
12. More Sweet Dreams
*
School camp, packed cases, jam butties,tin mugs, lassitude and longlitude
- the stuff of dreams.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Motor Biking
* Audrey has her toe nails,
Alf has his motor-biking memories, and Billy has something to look forward
to.
2. Is It Catching?
* When Billy gets a 'nedache'
mam thinks it's mumps and dad wishes it was lock-jaw.
3. Upstairs Downstairs
* The lad's in bed and nurse
Audrey is up and down like a merry-go-round(?). Alf goes up to tell him
a story.
4. Wind & Witches
* Audrey tells us about the
woman with one leg, Billy says he's got a spell on him, and Alf says 'bloody
halloween!'
5. Birthday Boy
* There's a surprise welcome,
a cake with too many candles, a sugar mouse, and an ungrateful dad.
6. Getting Up Yer Nose
* Poo! Alf dries his boots in
the oven and Audrey doesn't get the joke.
7. A Latch Lifter
* Uncle Wally One-ball gives
Alf a lesson on how to drink for free.
8. Cardboard Feet & Providence
* Swimming baths, snake belts,
shoes with holes in, the clubman and clothes on tick.
9. Baths & Aftermaths
* The lads are squeeky clean
after a trip to the baths but Alf finds himself juggling soot!
10. Revenge Is Sweet
* It's dark at night when someone
nicks your bike lamp, but cabbage and ribs brighten things up for Alf.
11. Sissy Girls
* Let's hear it for slack underpants,
farmer farmer, egg and chips, willies, and poking girls.
12. Balaclavas & Bommy Wood
* Audrey knits a daft hat while
Alf reminisces, and Billy can't wait for treacle toffee.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Stranded Alf
* Oh dear! Dad isn't amused
when Billy sets fire to the lavatory paper - Audrey is though!
2. Fleabag
* On every outside lav roof
there sits a cat - and this moggy is no friend of Alf's.
3. Affable Alf & Draughts
* Audrey is amazed but not amused
when Alf plays with Billy and creates draughts of his own.
4. Ooh Men!
* Condensed milk butties for
Billy as he plays with his fort, and dad chucks an injun on the fire!
5. Saturday Matinee
* Frozen Jubblies, pea shooters,
projectionists with allopoecia, and washing dustbins. Variety is the spice
of life.
6. Chicken's Feet & Alf's Hands
* Billy makes room for new toys
as Christmas approaches and chases his mam with a chicken's foot.
7. Penny Wise
* Alf's New Year resolution
is to give up 'being so generous' and he teaches Hit an' Dob how to play
Pitch and Toss.
8. Up The Ladder
* Dad has to go up a ladder
to unblock the gutter and to flash his tea and sugar through a split in
his trousers.
9. Life Is A Circus
* It's a family outing to see
lion tamers, dogs that jump through hoops, and to feast on creamy bonbons.
10. Shilling In The Meter
* Audrey loses her meter money
on a horse, courtesy of Alf, who walks into Billy's booby trap.
11. First Up Best Dressed
* Out comes the family album
with photos of strange relatives and girls in football boots.
12. On The Rack
* Audrey's nice new perm is
wasted on Alf as water drips down his neck -
cos Billy has nicked the washing line.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Cock O'The Class
* It's off to the corner shop
for suet, dolly blues and flypaper, but Billy doesn't want to meet the
school bully.
2. Other Dad's
* Alf isn't top of the best
dads list, something has chewed the sugar bag, and it's that rain what
wets you.
3. Bingo Night
* Audrey shares her winnings
- but not with Alf, and we think that bloody mouse night be back again!
4. Return Of The Mouse
* It's back!.. so Audrey and
Billy stand on chairs while Alf tempts it with chocolate button and tests
the trap!
5. Whips & Tops & Wobblers
* Dad gets no peace on the outside
lav, not even when Little Orphan Annie runs away.
6. Gentle Persuasion
* Tea is postponed as Alf tempts
the runaway home and net-curtain Nelly gets a broadside.
7. How Teachers Teach & Teapots Stand
* Schools break up and Alf gets
on his high horse about education - or the lack of it.
8. Tricks Of The Trade
* Aw! Father and son do some
woodwork together - well sort of - and Audrey's table is re-designed.
9. Cutting Corners
* Alf's promise of some nifty
French polishing sends Audrey to the shop for some onions.
10. Twenty Questions
* There is no rest for the wicked
as Audrey keeps waking Alf up to see if he's still alive, and Billy witters
on and on.
11. Eye To Eye
* A trick telescope doesn't
tempt Alf and so Audrey demonstrates it for him.
12. Rubadub Alf
* Picture the scene: a hot tin
bath in front of a blazing fire containing Alf with his socks on.
13. Easy Peasy Song
* This little song was previously
released on 7" single and it got to 109 in the charts! - play it
for the kids.
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Tea & Sympathy
* Billy is swopping bubbly gum,
while Alf needs some Fennings Fever Cure and some Woodbines for a good
cough.
2. Legless Tommy
* What with Uncle Wally One-ball
and Tommy No-legs, Audrey has some interesting relatives!
3. Pawnshop Saga
* Audrey redeems a pawn ticket,
Billy gets broken biscuits, and Alf has a bone in his leg!
4. Checkmate
* While the men play chess (well
that's the plan) Audrey watches her washing blow off the line.
5. No Rest For The Wicked
* A kip on the sofa would be
nice but wittering willy and moaning minnie just won't shut up.
6. Bob-A-Job
* Blacking shoes and drinking
grannie's medicine were good enough for Alf but Billy uses his own initiative.
7. Show Up Show Down
* The old brown mac gets an
airing when Alf pulls it out of the dustbin.
8. Battle Royal
* Audrey goes on strike for
better conditions and applies a little blackmail.
9. On Night Turn
* When dad's on nights the world
has to creep about all day so as not to wake him. Fat chance!
10. Whistling Another Tune
* Today's concert includes Good
King Wenceslas, Hitler has only got one, played on Michael's snotty recorder.
11. Stirring Things Up
* Poor mam is soaked so it's
dad who prepares the little fellah for a stand-up wash in the sink.
12. Crossbar Crisis
* Billy has cut his knee and
has bits of road in it, so Alf shows him how to ride his bike - until
the chain comes off!
BACK
TO CORNER SHOP
1. Tin Hats & Hard Times
* How to make a lolly stick glider, and how
not to light a fire.
2. Crash Diet
* Billy and Michael break a chair but as
long as no-one sits on it, it'll be ok. Enter Ada Woods.
3. Benevolent Alf
* Dad's unusual burst of generosity turns
out to be a figment of his imagination.
4. Departure Day
* The family are off on holiday by bus and
train, leaving the house clean and tidy - just in case of burglars.
5. On The Prom
* Iced lollies, water wings, a bucket and
spade, and a goldfish in a bag with a cigarette hole in it.
6. Home At Last
* Mam's got the suitcase, Billy's got the
goldfish, and Alf's got to climb in through the bedroom window.
7. Cabbage & Ribs & Oil Cloths
* Audrey cooks food to put a road through
you, Alf looks forward to tomorrow, and Billy's got a whizbang!
8. Too Many Cooks
* Instead of letting him get on with it,
Audrey and Billy lend Alf a hand to strip the wallpaper.
9. Keep On Running
* Threading newspaper squares on string is
a must after Billy eats some special chocolate.
10. Zorro
* With a mask and a sword and a tea towel
for a cloak, Billy leaves the mark of Zorro!
11. Our Gang
* Why Billy has a tattoo, why a 'zed' is
not a 'y', and why dogs get stuck together.
12. Firewood Tuppence A Bundle
*
Dad helps Billy tosave up - well it's hard to spend an I.O.U..
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1. Hamerica
* It's cowboys and injuns, chewing
gum and skyscratchers, soldiers and nylon stockings, and more besides.
2. Waterworks
* Water pistols at the ready,
aim, fire! Billy ambushes his dad in the bog and Alf plans his revenge.
3. Hammered Nails
* Alf finally gets round to
fixing the stair carpet, and the cupboard shelf, and nailing Audrey's
head back on!
4. The Wrigleys
* What starts off with the price
of a 'hice-cream' finishes up with a chat about the birds and the bees.
5. Keep A Secret
* It's hard not to lick the
bowl after mixing a cake, and it's harder to keep the cake a secret when
it's your dads birthday.
6. Broken Hearts & Absent Friends
* Valentine's day has arrived
without a card for Billy - or Audrey (as usual).
7. If The Cap Fits
* All Billy wants to do is read
his Beano comic but trouble looms when mam gets the wrong end of the stick.
8. Bellyaches & Long Grass
* Sympathy for Billy isn't forthcoming
from Alf - or Audrey, when she finds out he's been playing with fire!
9. Wind-ups & Cock-ups
* Alf gives the new neighbour
a helping hand moving her big chest and gets himself in trouble with Audrey.
10. Two Shoes Too Big
* Poor Billy's new shoes are
killing him but he has to break them in for the weekend procession. It's
female logic!
11. Back To School
*
The old treadle machine is clacking away as Audrey makes some new shirt
cuffs out of Alf's old fart flap!
12. Blue Alf & Cardinal Red
*
Billy's in the wars with a scraped knee but that doesn't stop a rollicking
from Audrey for swearing.
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1. Rice & Dobbers
* Something as small as a grain
of rice shouldn't hurt - but it does when it comes out of the end of a
pea-shooter.
2. Porky Pies & Highland Flings
*
Alf's braces make a great catapult. That's alright as long as Alf doesn't
find out!
3. Goofy Giblin
* Pomegranates, old flames,
and standing on your head - there's a lot to talk about.
4. Fathers Day & Crafty Alf
* It takes a devious mind to
get what you want by convincing somebody that it was their idea.
5. Grinders, Moodies & Ostriches
* The scissors have been sharpened
by a man who was held ostrich in the war. Discuss.
6. Jujus & Getting The Hump
* When it comes to sweets, we
all have a favourite colour, but we don't always get the one we want!
7. Confetti Kerfuffle
* Audrey had a lovely time at
a wedding, so crying is reasonable. Billy preferred the fight that broke
out, though.
8. In At The Deep End
* Billy waits impatiently for
dad to take him and his pals to the baths - but a watched clock never
boils, does it?
9. Southport Safari
* If you go to see the sea at
Southport, be prepared for a long, long walk.
10. Sunny Side Of The Street
* When summer sun shines on
a terraced street, it's time to put your cozzie on and sit in a bowl of
water.
11. Minding Their Business
* For some dads, the answer
is "no" before they hear the question. This dad is no exception.
12. The Party's Over
* Pass The Parcel, Find The
Thimble, Blindman's Bluff, Pin the
Tail On Audrey - whose idea is that, I wonder?
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1. Artistic Temperature
* We get a rare glimpse of Alfs creative
talent when he draws a picture, but Audrey just can't see it.
2. Sugar & Spice
* Sugar butties can be messy and Billy's
sent out to play with his spud gun - but no more chips with holes in!
3. Only Joking
* School is closed for voting and Billy is
at home playing jokes on his dad.
4. Canteen Santa
* Billy goes to a childrens' party at dad's
works, and meets some shady characters - including four-eyed Joyce.
5. Apple Pie & Custard Tins
* There may well be lumps in Audrey's custard
but Billy finds the powder tins useful - as stilts.
6. The Visitor Fleas
* Billy's hanty Pamela paid a visit and Alf
won't admit that she might have won that round.
7. When You Die & Ghosts
* Hibernating tortoises look dead, and hanty
Pamela's back again to measure up for woolley jumpers.
8. Glass On The Wall
* Billy catches his mam doing a Nosey Nora,
and catches his dad standing on the newly cleaned doorstep.
9. To Hell With Alf
* Billy gets excited about the forthcoming
school nativity play, and Alf has a rant about religion.
10. Coca Dip & Lanry
* In the absence of his spends, Billy enjoys
a home-made treat - then Audrey comes along.
11. A New Leaf
* Christmas approaches and Audrey looks forward
to some shop-window-looking.
12. A Firm Hand
* Ducks like the rain so they'll
be playing out says Audrey - it's a walk in the park for the family.
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1. Out Of Tune
* Alf fixes his bike in the
house and hears all about a free posh piano that would look nice in the
parlour.
2. Upright & Bendy
* An irresistable force (Billy
and Audrey) meets an immovable object (Alf in his armchair) ooh er!
3. The Lost Chord
* Alf and Joe finally return
with the piano and give the street a bawdy song.
4. Awkward Questions
* Some little boys' questions
are better answered by dads but by then we've forgotten what they were.
5. Tiggy Off The Ground
*
Jumping on and off window sills is great fun but when dad says come in,
come in!
6. The Strains of Tea
*
Billy cuts his finger on dad's razor and, if that not enough, he's been
fishing with the tea-strainer!
7. Bogeys & Custard
* Audrey is baking so talk of
bogeys isn't welcome - it's ok though, it's a bogey that you ride on.
8. Nine Into Six Doesn't Go
* It's a treat for Audrey's
(don't mention it!) anniversary, and Billy's staying at Grandad's.
9. Wet & Windy
* Never mind the weather, it's
amazing how many times Billy can mention chips when he wants some.
10. Just Horsing About
* Exciting times as Audrey volunteers
Alf for the school pantomime.
11. Dwarves & Hangovers
* Time
for a fitting for Billy's dwarf hat and a postmortem after Alf's drunken
night.
12. Revolutions
* New Year resolutions? Alf
can't think of anything he needs to improve - it's hard being perfect!
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1. Happy Days
* Mithered Alf tells Audrey
where to go, and she tells him the wallpaper's upside down and his tea's
in the chippy.
2. All Ears
* When we listen to people talkng
about us, we don't always like what we hear - and Alf gets a talking to.
3. Stick-on Soles
* Why take your shoes to the
menders - cobblers! - when Alf can do it for nowt? If only he had a penknife!
4. Merrylegs & The Brewcan
* Alf wants some of the rebate
from the gasman, but all he gets is vimto in his brewcan.
5. The Great Debate
* Theirs may be an outside lav
but at least Audrey can chat to next door while she sits there.
6. Spanish Magic
* Billy loses the change from
the shop and forgets to wipe the spanish from round his mouth.
7. No Hiding Place
* As small as he is, Billy can't
quite fit behind the sideboard - and dad wants a word about a broken window.
8. Surprise Surprise!
* If a case-ball haccidenkly
hits Billy on the toe and haccidenkly breaks a window, is it his fault?
9. Alf's Savings Bank
* The coppers have disappeared
from Billy's jam jar and he needs it for a valentines card. Aw dad!
10. Common Cold
* Having a cold is a sharing
thing so Audrey has given hers to Alf, and Billy's willy has a post-baths
shrivel.
11. Puppies & Hippos
* When Billy's pal Kevin gets
a puppy guess who else wants one?
12. Slushballs & Ear 'oles
*
Billy's having an ice-ball fight with Michael and Alf extolls the benefits
of being cross-eyed.
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TO CORNER SHOP
1. A Little Misunderstanding
* There's a little matter of
homework, dirty hands and dirty words.
2. Sir Billy
* Billy gets a winger from a
girl and doesn't hit her back. Mam says well done. Alf says chuck her
in the nettles!
3. Balloons & Newts
* Alf gets the blame for a rude
balloon and isn't amused at it landing in his dinner. Oh yes, and Billy's
got tadpoles.
4. A Minor Eruption
* Audrey finds Billy's bugle-blowing
irritating - but not as irritating as the boil on her bum!
5. Rubbing It In
* After sacking the window cleaner
cos Audrey can do better job, Alf puts Dettol on Billy's cut knee.
6. French With Tears
* Billy needs a tin for hopscotch
and makes Audrey swear - blame it all on the French.
7. Fun In The Tunnel
* As Alf sits darning the darns
in his socks, conversation turns to thruth, dare, kiss, command or promise.
8. Dressing Up
*
Clothes maketh the man but it takes far more than that to get your own
way with women. Alf explains.
9. Woman's Trouble
* Some women have trouble of
a medical kind. Audrey has Alf and Billy.
10. A Present For Audrey
* Audrey gets excited when brings
a well-wrapped parcel home especially for her. How kind of him!
11. Just An Ordinary Alf
* Alf mends a pan that Audrey
burnt, while Billy flirts matches and makes a mess with jam butty.
12. The Length Of A Piece Of String
*
Billy can't lose his gloves now that they're tied together - but he has
to walk like Quasimodo.
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1. Rude Awakening
*
A dozing dad is an irrisistible target for Billy's pellet flirter and
he isn't laughing!
2. Conkers & Toast
*
Billy learns how to play conkers without conkers but Alf's old brown mac
is now short of buttons.
3. Something To Look Forward To
*
Good Friday? What's good about it?.. thinks Alf when he learns they're
going to Blackpool.
4. Alf Splashes Out
*
It's tea-time and Billy isn't home. Alf finds him near the canal minus
one shoe. No worries, dad'll get it!
5. Roughing It A Bit
*
When it comes to a choice between woodbines and toilet paper, start tearing
the newspaper into squares.
6. Swollen Clacker
*
The poor little lad has swollen tonsils and is entitled to sypmpathy but
not on Alf's armchair.
7. Proper Pooly
*
Billy is looking forward to a throat cooling icecream, and Alf can't help
noticing the pretty nurse.
8. Sawdust & Football
*
Billy has to mark out the football pitch for the school footie match and
mam and dad to watch.
9. Pre-match Entertainment
*
The men are off to a real football match and Audrey needs to make sure
they're well wrapped up.
10. On Another Planet
*
Michael's coming round for tea but the sight of Alf scares him off - even
though Audrey's cut extra chips.
11. Donkeystones & Fishing Nets
*
Audrey's on her hands and knees again stoning the step, and Billy wants
to go fishing.
12. Getting The Point
*
Falling off the backyard wall could hurt, but not as much as leaving a
needle on Alf's armchair.
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TO CORNER SHOP
1. Jumping Thru Hoops
* They've planned
a trip to the circus but Alf says he doesn't need to go there to see clowns.
2. Brewing Up & Teachers
* Billy learns to brew up but
Alf prefers his tea made with hot water - fussy bugger!
3. Keeping The Draught Out
* Nailing a blanket up over
the backdoor is Alf's solution but Audrey says no thanks.
4. Trolleys & Alleys & POWs
*
It's about keeping your trolleys up, and cutting your throat according
to your width.
5. Not Getting The Fever
* Billy sails his home-made
boat in the puddle and there's talk of the pudding club.
6. Something Missing
* Alf needs his fags, Billy needs some
chalk, and Audrey needs to get her breath back.
7. Handcarts & Happles
* Moving
the furniture about for a change is okay as long as you can still get
through the door.
8. Coppers & Coke
* "we fort they was just bombin’
it down hanyway cos there was halready a load o’ windows smashed
in!
9. Dead Freddie & The Dentists
* Goldfish eat a variety of things, but
cornflakes with milk? - yuk!
10. Dimp Picking
* Billy and his pals have been watching
the big lads on their tracker bikes and tormenting a poor old tramp.
11. Not Far Now
*Chrismas is coming so
Alf says "You buy me nowt, I'll buy you nowt, we both get the same,
and it costs nowt!"
12. All Over Nowt
* Audrey's been shop window looking "Ooh,
mi ‘ead’s achin’ an mi feet are like puddin’s!"
She says.
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*All material copyright Buzz Hawkins - so ner!