Hawkins escapes from his padded cell window anytime somebody chucks him a
grappling hook. The 'hook' is any chance to perform, and sometimes all it
takes is one phone call with an offer he doesn't understand, and out
comes the stage suit again - well, an iffy shirt, sawn-off pants,
loud socks, and his much-loved pair of 1950's boots with holes in
that somebody gave him (the boots not the holes).
Over the years he's performed his stand-ups, cabarets, after-dinner
speaking and sell-out shows all over the UK, occasionally popping
over to Cyprus, Corfu, Menorca and Spain for international cabarets.
Having written radio comedy for twenty-odd years, Hawkins' material
is wide and seemingly endless. Some would believe though (understandably
perhaps) that it's all nostalgia based therefore not for younger audiences.
Wrong! Yes, nostalgia with The Bradshaws and seeing life through their
eyes, but right on the button with clever comedy songs such as EeeWellYafTerLafAntYer, Father
Fanakerpan's Secret, Country Billy Gerkin and The Pickle Stabbers,
Raji Sing Song, Poor Old Norman, and the exquisite Sadie. And when Hawkins asks "It's catchy intit?" you'd be lying if you said no.
His observation
is on par with Billy Connolly, Frank Skinner, Clive James, Arthur
Smith, Victoria Wood and Peter Kay (Peter's mam has all the tapes)
and yet his take on it is totally unique.
We defy you to put Hawkins in a bag! (please?!)
Interesting fact: If you go to the Wikipedia website
and search The Bradshaws you'll find that The Bradshaws
have a section dedicated to them - but Buzz Hawkins doesn't!
Are they a figment of his imagination or is he a figment of theirs?!
And, if
you've ever wondered what it feels like to stand in front of 2000 people and act daft, then this photo taken from the stage might give you some idea..
Hawkins view from the stage at The Lowry 2007
Whatever it takes to tell a story!
Oh, the joy of sitting in a tin bath in front of a roaring coal fire!.. Let's not think about the draught blowing round your exposed bits when everybody and his mate are running in and out and leaving doors wide open!..And let's forget about you having to follow your dad, your mam, and your older brothers and sisters!.. and try not to think about the scrubbing brush your mam used to get the muck off you, and the corner of the old flannel screwed into your ear'ole to fish the debris out, and the soap in your eyes, and getting out to be rubbed down with a towel that feels about as soft as a hair-shirt.
HAWKINS
TALKIN'..
about how it all began
(and how to survive triple schizophrenia)
BH - "The Bradshaws
stories started life as poems – simple conversations between
a mam, dad and their little boy. I christened them Audrey, Alf
and Billy and set the stories in a two-up-two-down terraced
house in pounds, shillings and pence time because that’s
where I grew up, so I suppose initially they were about the
things I experienced.
"After a few weeks of reading them live on local radio people
began telling me their childhood experiences and the stories
became their stories too. I’m often asked “How do
you do all the voices?” Well, when it came to reading
the first one out on local radio I hadn’t had time to
practise, so I just aimed high and fidgety for little Billy,
deep, grumpy and chauvinistic for Alf and, for Audrey, I imagined
I was wearing fluffy slippers, curlers and a pinny.
"It seemed to work because the radio station was innundated with
callers asking who the three actors were. It still happens now,
25years laer, and I'm beginning to think I'm triple schizophrenic
(and that doesn't include me). I have noticed, though (and you
early cassette owners will bear me out), that the voices and
characterisations have developed over the years as they gradually
asserted themselves (told you!), having had such a lot of radio
broadcasting and live shows for practice.
"So I decided to go back to the beginning and re-write and produce
the early albums again in order to match the current production
values (to satisfy myself really). So, here we are then. I hope
you enjoy listening to them as much as I’ve enjoyed the
many years of writing and performing them.
"There are three hundred stories in the 25 CD collection plus
a few bonus musical titbits scattered throughout. What next
for The Bradshaws? Television of course! There’s still
a lot to do!"
The Sales Pitch...
"Once upon a time, on a dark and stormy night, a small thought festered in the broad forehead of a man named Buzz Hawkins. This thought skipped along terraced streets gathering up the memories that you left behind and so grew into The Bradshaws.
The Bradshaws are now real people and anyone who thinks otherwise is ficticious. As a result, Buzz Hawkins is now merely a figment of their imagination"
Buzz (smiling - or toothache?)
Unbutton your cardigans for a rib-cracking night out with Buzz Hawkins, award-winning writer, producer and voices of the wickedly funny radio favourites “The Bradshaws”...
This unique
and healthy (laughter is good for you!) experience with Buzz Hawkins could cause face-ache, wheezing, loss of
breath, loss of dentures, sore ribs and temporary incontinence due
to the unavoidable amount of laughing you have to do. Beware and be ready for a night out you'll never forget.
If by any chance you would like to invite Buzz for a party,
a free holiday, a Christmas Dinner, or to book him for a concert or cabaret or speaking engagement ~ anywhere in the world ~ then simply ask!
The team at Jennifer Shaw Events would love to hear from you.
Just click on the following link...
..now a bit about The Man Behind
Buzz
Hawkins is the Man Behind The Bradshaws. He writes, produces and
performs the radio and television stories that are listened to worldwide
(yes.. he really does do all the voices!).
His unique stand-up comedy is, in fact, taller than his is: sharply observed, contemporary, yet down-to-earth. He can make the largest venue feel like the cosiest of
living rooms.
As well as performing
anywhere that they'll have him, Buzz is currently
writing a new Bradshaws animated
cartoon series (watch this space).
So what else has he done?..
well his works include a few TV series: Comedians, Stuart’s Hall of Fame, Foo-Foo.
TV appearances (not enough)
include: That’s Entertainment, The Afternoon Show and an unforgettable
cameo role in Phoenix Nights.
(We
won't mention winning Opportunity Knocks - that was in a previous
life!)
As
well as on BBC local stations & commercial stations throughout
the UK, The Bradshaws stories have recently been
broadcast by Arthur Smith on BBC Radio 2 and regularly in faraway places like
Dubai, Hong Kong, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Southern Spain, Teneriffe, and Salford.
..and a bit about The Bradshaws
The Bradshaws
are Alf, Audrey and little Billy Bradshaw, an ordinary family living
an ordinary life in an ordinary two-up two-down terraced house.
Where? Somewhere in the North. When? In pounds, shillings and pence
time when convenience food was bread and dripping, sugar butties,
condensed milk butties..
..a bit of Bradshaw history
The Bradshaws soapettes originated on radio and have captivated millions of listeners
in the UK for many years. Beginning on Piccadilly Radio, and Radio Manchester, the stories were twice
nominated for the prestigious Sony Award for “The Best Use
Of Comedy On Radio”.
You may even remember the Telethon on ITV in 1990 with little Billy sharing the hosting with Richard and Judy. that's a fascinating tale you might wish to read more about too!
In 1994 Granada Television broadcast a short series of The Bradshaws featuring animatronic puppets and live actors. The response was excellent and, for a while, it was hoped that the TV company's promise of a second - and better funded - series would be made. But alas, Granada boss Andrea Wonfer moved on and Regional Head, Mike Spencer, couldn't get the money from the new boss.
Billy Bradshaw has made lots of television
appearances (so ner!), and his Stranger Danger video, sponsored by Greater Manchester Police, Greater Manchester Council and Manchester Airport, reached thousands of kids in North-West schools. Billy's new road safety "Easy Peasy Song" cartoon is out now on pre-release (see Corner Shop) and we plan to get it to as many children as possible - nationally!.
Sponsors welcome!.. get in touch
WHERE
TO FIND HIM (AND THEM!)..
2008
20th September
BOLTON ARENA
Ticket Hotline: 08448 110999
or 01204 488100
Tickets £12
Doors open 7.15pm for Showtime 8pm
HERE ARE FEW THINGS THAT MAKE ME REALISE I AM SANE AND THE REST OF THE WORLD IS MAD
~ BHI photographed this flying pig from my studio window
This lot were
in my kitchen one morning..
LtoR:
Norman Hinchcliffe, Winifred Dutton,
Billy Bradshaw and Michael
Morris
(cartoon by Wildey ~ from the forthcoming Bradshaws animated cartoon series)
Visit Two Up Toons for previews
THE LION AND ALBERT
by Marriott Edgar
There’s a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That’s noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr. and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick and with an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle,
The finest that Woolworth’s could sell.They didn’t think much to the Ocean :
The waves, they was fiddlin’ and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at atall.So, seeking further amusement,
They paid and went into the zoo,
Where they’d Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.There was on great big lion called Wallace ;
His nose were all covered with scars –
He lay in a somnambulant posture
With the side of his face on the bars.Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild –
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn’t seem right to the child.So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morcel of fear,
Took ‘is stick with it’s ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle
And pushed it in Wallace’s ear.You could see that the lion didn’t like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with ‘im,
And swallowed the little lad ‘ole.Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said “Mother! Yon Lion’s ate Albert,”
And Mother said “Well, I am vexed!”Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom –
Quite rightly, when all’s said and done –
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the Lion had eaten their son.The keeper was quite nice about it ;
He said “What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it’s your boy he’s eaten?”
Pa said “Am I sure? There’s his cap!”The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said “What’s to do?”
Pa said “Yon Lion’s ate Albert,
And ‘im in his Sunday clothes too!”Then Mother said, “Right’s right, young feller ;
I think it’s a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we’ve paid to come in.”The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying “How much to settle the matter?”
And Pa said “What do you usually pay?”But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said “No! Someone’s got to be summonsed” –
So that was decided upon.Ten off they went to the P’lice Station,
In front of the magistrate chap ;
They told ‘im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.The magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.At that Mother got proper bazing,
“And thank you, sir, kindly,” said she.
“What, waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!”
THREE HA’PENCE A FOOT
by Marriott Edgar
I’ll tell you an old-fashioned story
That Grandfather used to relate
Of a joiner and building contractor ;
‘Is name were Sam Oglethwaite
In a shop on the banks of the Irwell
Old Sam used to follow ‘is trade
In a place you’ll have ‘eard of, called Bury ;
You know, where black puddin’s is made.
One day, Sam were filling a knot ‘ole
Wi’ putty, when in thro’ the door
Came an old feller fair wreathed i’ whiskers ;
T’ould chap said “Good morning, I’m Noah.”
Sam asked Noah what was ‘is business,
And t’ould chap went on to remark,
That not not liking the look of the weather,
‘E were thinking of building an Ark.
‘E’d gotten the wood for the bulwarks,
And all t’other shipbuilding junk,
And wanted some nice Bird’s Eye Maple
To panel the side of ‘is bunk.
Now Maple were Sam’s Mon-o-po-ly;
That means it were all ‘is to cut,
And nobody else ‘adn’t got none ;
So ‘e asked Noah three ha’pence a foot.
“A ha’penny too much,” replied Noah.
“Penny a foot’s more the mark ;
A penny a foot, and when rain comes,
I’ll give you a ride in me Ark.”
But neither would budge in the bargain ;
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put ‘is tongue out at Noah,
And Noah made “Long Bacon” at Sam.
In wrath and ill-feeling they parted,
Not knowing when they’d meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it,
‘Til one day it started to rain.
It rained and it rained for a fortni’t,
And flooded the ‘ole countryside.
It rained and it kep’ on raining,
‘Til the Irwell were fifty miles wide.
The ‘ouses were soon under water,
And folks to the roof ‘ad to climb.
They said ‘twas the rottenest summer
That Bury ‘ad ‘ad for some time.
The rain showed no sign of abating,
And water rose hour by hour,
‘Til the only dry land were at Blackpool,
And that were on top of the Tower.
So Sam started swimming to Blackpool ;
It took ‘im best part of a week.
‘Is clothes were wet through when ‘e got there,
And ‘is boots were beginning to leak.
‘E stood to ‘is watch-chain in water,
On Tower top, just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards ‘im
But old Noah, steering ‘is Ark.
They stared at each other in silence,
‘Til Ark were alongside, all but,
Then Noah said : “What price yer Maple ?”
Sam answered : “Three ha’pence a foot.”
Noah said “Nay, I’ll make thee an offer,
The same as I did t’other day.
A penny a foot and a free ride.
Now, come on, lad, what does tha say ?”
“Three ha’pence a foot”, came the answer.
So Noah ‘is sail ‘ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.
Noah cruised around, flying ‘is pigeons,
‘Til fortieth day of the wet,
And on ‘is way back, passing Blackpool,
‘E saw old Sam standing there yet.
‘Is chin just stuck out of the water ;
A comical figure ‘e cut.
Noah said : “Now what’s the price of yer Maple ?”
Sam answered : “Three ha’pence a foot.”
Said Noah : “Ye’d best take my offer ;
It’s last time I’ll be hereabout ;
And if water comes half an inch higher,
I’ll ‘appen get Maple for nought.”
“Three ha’pence a foot it’ll cost yer,
And as fer me,” Sam said, “don’t fret.
The sky’s took a turn since this morning ;
I think it’ll brighten up yet.”
THE FIRST BRADSHAWS STORY.. This was written for a radio competition with three voices in mind, and to remind me when to change from one to another I used CAPITALS for Alf, lower case for Audrey, and "speech marks" for Billy.
LET'S TAKE THE LAD TO BLACKPOOL
by Buzz Hawkins
Alf luv, shall we take the lad to Blackpool?
IT'S RAININ' Well it might be sunny there
I can put some butties up
And tek the flask and plastic cups
AYE, AN' WE'LL GO DOWN T'OTHER END AWAY FROM T'FAIR!
"dad, dad, can I wind the window down dad?"
NAY LAD "aw go on dad, it's not cold
and' watch the smoke come from the funnel"
AYE, AN' WHEN WE REACH A TUNNEL
ALL THE SMOKE'LL COME IN T'CARRIAGE, NOW BE TOLD!
"dad, i wanted to go swimmin' in the sea dad
But mam's left my towel an' cozzie on the train"
WEAR YER UNDERPANTS TO SWIM LAD
IT WON'T MATTER ONCE YER IN “dad!”
Alf, don't tell 'im that, they might be stained!
"can I 'ave a candy floss an' go on t'donkeys, dad?
Dad I'm tired, carry my goldfish an' my ball
where's the sea gone?" ASK YER MOTHER
AN' 'URRY UP YOU DOZY BUGGER!
AYE, AN' TIE YER BLOOMIN' LACE BEFORE YER FALL!
Ooh Alf, these fish an' chips are really luvvly
It makes a difference not cookin' em miself
(burp) "I'm full up mam!" Now that's rude!
Better pass yer dad that food
At this price he'll want to finish it himself!
'OME SWEET 'OME, GO'N PUT THE KETTLE ON LUV
COME ON BILLY, TEK YER BITS UP TO YER ROOM
"ant it been a smashin' day dad?
can we go tomorrow?" NAY LAD
But if yer very good we might go soon!
"G'night mam, g'night dad!"
G'night son
G'NIGHT LAD
LET THE LAST WALTZ BEGUINE
By Buzz Hawkins
We see from the clock on the wall once again
That all things must come to an end
The time when you wish, as you go for your bus
That your wife would sod off with your friend
A time to think back on the evenings events
Lots of characters here, you can't knock it
Take our Gerry for instance
He keeps missing his round
And he keeps just one cig in each pocket
But now just before you all barge through the door
We would like you to have one last dance
For the lights are down lower
And there's chalk on the floor
And the bands on the stage in a trance
Our artiste tonight still hasn't been paid
And he may be no good but he's keen
So he's helping the band as they struggle along
And now let the last waltz Beguine
I AM A LITTLE PIMPLE..
By Buzz Hawkins
(to be read in a daft voice)
I am a little pimple, I grow on human parts
I'll swell up on your hooter and sometimes on your arm
I have to be so careful and find the safest spot
Cos you squeeze me when I'm on your face
And scratch me when I'm not
I thrive on greasy noses and skin with lots of oil
And if I'm very lucky I'll grow up to be a boil
My dad was a verooka, my mother was a powk
My sister was a blackhead 'til a face-pack squeezed her out
She had lots of boyfriends
Not too careful who she picked
(Her last one was a haemorrhoid, who was always in the nick)
I've an uncle who's a wicklow and a cousin who's a cyst
He could've been a gallstone but he wouldn't take the risk
My daughter's just a blemish and keeps asking me to tell her
About the facts of life like why are Michael’s pimples yeller?
Sometimes it's hard to cope with life and all it's disappointments
We have to learn to keep our heads above these modern ointments.
HAWKINS IN
THE TRICK CYCLISTS CHAIR
delving
questions from
Phil Steels AC/DC & Bar
When
did you do your first Billy Bradshaw characterisation? When
I sat on a frozen Jubbly. Actually, it was in 1982 in the middle
of the night on the Gary Davis Show, when he was the nightbeat jock
on Piccadilly Radio.
Was it always planned as a radio feature? It was never planned. I was employed as a musician to amuse
the fruit bats, security guards and vallium barmcakes through the
night, and keep the Musicians Union happy. I think I must have been
overdosing on crappy vending machine coffee when The Bradshaws walked
into my life.
How
did you have access to getting it put on air?
By
default. That’s to say by de fault of the management not bothering
to listen to overnight broadcasts. We got away with murder.
What gave you the idea for the family and the background?
We
used to run a feature called Poet’s Corner in which listeners
were invited to phone in with their original poems. Gary Davis,
Mick Coleman (of Bryan & Michael fame), Paul Lockitt (journalist)
and myself would sit in judgement and decide who should win a prize.
One night we were challenged to write a poem each and I wrote one
about a family’s day trip to Blackpool. I read it over the
air, using three voices and with some quiet brass band music to
set the scene, and got a few letters asking for more. A year or
so later the BBC commissioned me to write twenty episodes for the
Alec Greenhalgh show, but it was 1986 before I got really busy,
when Piccadilly Radio made me producer of The Phil Wood Show. Phil
was a bit of a God on the radio but he was having a running battle
with the management and they relegated him to a late night slot.
We decided there was nothing to lose by playing safe, so we filled
the programmes with bizarre characters and features - politically
correct wasn’t even in it! I was doing up to ten comic characters
a night including Father Fanakerpan, Ludovic Cabbie 595, Ronnie
The Bin, Nigel The Washing Line Walker, Manuel’s Spanish Guitar
for Beginners, Bert Scrogginbottom, Country Billy Gerkin and loads
more I’ve forgotten about. Then I’d go home and write
and record The Bradshaws stories. The cassettes sold like mad and
the the CDs and they’ve been selling ever since. The first
fifty or so episodes were in rhyme and metre but that got a bit
restricting.
How
far back can you remember?
The first
birthday I remember was my fifth when the boy next door, Dennis,
gave me a thri’penny bit. I don’t know what I did with
it. I probably put it down the grid, I was always putting things
down the grid. I do remember little things which I’m sure
were earlier than that but I can’t put a date on them. I remember
weeing the bed once or twice and trying to blame my brother, Ron.
How
many kids from your childhood will recognise themselves?
I’m
sure some will, though I’ve changed the names to protect the
innocent. What I attempt to do is let everybody in by using characters
and events that were and are in everybody’s street or classroom.
Michael Morris, for instance. Everybody had a Michael Morris.. a
pair of clinic specs, a plaster over one eye and the other eye skenning
into the corner.
You have rather an unusual way of researching
your material?..
Yeh, but it’s fun!
I call in pubs, clubs, old folks homes, and get them talking about
themselves. Most people can talk all night about themselves. One
sure way of starting them off is by using what I call “Memory
Jerkers” – simple words or phrases from times gone by,
like, Bazooka Joes, Dolly Blues, Acdo. It’s always a good
laugh. You should try it in the pub.
What
do you enjoy most about The Bradshaws?
I
love doing live shows – theatres, concerts, cabarets, after-dinner
speaking. It’s a great feeling knowing the audience can relate
to my writing. Not many people would recognise me at the check-out
at Asda, even if I told them my name, but most have heard of The
Bradshaws or Billy Bradshaw. I enjoy being a sort of unknown famous
person. I love getting letters and e-mails, and they come from all
the world, asking for Bradshaws tapes and CD’s and paraphernalia.
I used to think that it was the radio broadcasts that spread the
word about The Bradshaws but in fact the cassettes (there are now
twenty volumes) are the real ambassadors. People send them to relatives
and friends all over the world. Just in the last few weeks I’ve
had e-mails from a German student requesting scripts to use in a
thesis he’s doing on the English language(!); a package from
an ex-patriot couple in Oz who sent me a miniature Aussie outside
lav (a dunny); several from army lads who passed many nights in
the desert listening to Bradshaws tapes. It makes me very happy.
What
other voice work have you done?
I’ve
been doing voices for a long time. I don’t do any worthwhile
impersonations like them there TV impressionists do, except for
a passable Derek Guyler, so I invent characters. Then I’m
flattered when some impressionist does a impression of my characters.
It’s a funny old world!
Is there anything
you'd like to ask Buzz?..
well, just ask: "Just for old times sake, does anybody still write letters?.. you remember, with paper and pen?..
How quaint!..
Go on, write to me.."Buzz Hawkins, PO Box 301, Hyde, Cheshire, England, SK14 1WR
I photographed this flying pig from my studio window
