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| THE BRADSHAWS IN RHYME AND METRE |  |
It isn't common knowledge but when Buzz first started writing the Bradshaws stories they were all in five line verses of rhyme and metre. He tells us he wrote the first forty or so like this until he realised that hardly anybody had noticed the rhyming or the metre anyway (he was the only one putting money in). Here are two of them exactly as they were read out live on the wireless. We can't make our minds up whether they qualify as monologues or trialogues!
To make it easier to follow the voice changes: Alf is in capitals, Audrey is in lower case, and little Billy is in lower case italics. Go on, have a go, be a darer! |
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The original manuscript for this story didn't have a title, just a number - "part 8". It's also written in a way that suggests the characters have a stronger dialect than on the CDs. Let us know how well you do with the voice changes! |
WASH YER MOUTH OUT
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WASH YER MOUTH OUT by Buzz Hawkins
Alf, I saw our Billy's teacher up at school today I saw him in the yard ringin' the bell WHO'S 'IS TEACHER? Mr Sudlow I 'AD 'IM I know 'e said so 'E says our Billy keeps on swearin' BLOODY 'ELL!
IS THAT RIGHT LAD? well I honly swore a bit dad! WELL I'VE HALF A MIND TO WASH YER MOUTH WI' SOAP! Well, I'll cut a bar in two, Half for 'im an' half for you That might stop it altogether then, I 'ope!
I DON'T BLOODY SWEAR! you just did then, dad! I'M ALLOWED TO IN MI OWN 'OUSE, I'M YER DAD! AN' I'M A LOT OLDER THEN YOU DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO! Alf, you set a bad example for the lad!
dad, our sir said I wouldn't go to 'eaven! Tell you father just what you said back to 'im! I said that I didn't care cos mi dad wouldn't be there cos 'e swears too.. 'e said you used to swear at 'im!
dad, what's it like in 'ell dad, is it borin'? ey mam, why don't you swear too then you can come then we'll be with one another YOU GO TO 'EAVEN WITH YER MOTHER IF YOU WENT WI' ME, THE DEVIL 'D GET NOWT DONE!
Just give over Alf, it int a laughin' matter I don't want my son swearin', it's all wrong! You make me shamed, the pair of you An' I wish you'd give over too But you couldn't, you've been doin' it too long!
DON'T TALK SOFT, I WOULDN'T EVEN 'AVE TO TRY LUV not even if I'm naughty an' you're mad? SON, I WUNT SAY NOWT I'D GRIT MI TEETH, YOU'D GET A CLOUT SHALL I SHOW YOU? I was honlu haskin' dad!
RIGHT THEN IT'S AGREED, I'LL GIVE UP SWEARIN' ON CONDITION THAT MAM DOES SOMETHIN' AS WELL What's that Alf? MAKE A CUPPA AN' THEN DO SOME TOAST FOR SUPPER can I 'ave some mam? I've given up as well!
mam, can I 'old the fork to do the toast, mam? No, yer much too young to mess about near fires You can watch yer father do it COME 'ERE LAD, THERE'S NOTHIN' TO IT YOU 'AVE TO 'OLD IT NEAR THE RED COALS ONLY HIGHER
THEN YOU 'AVE TO KEEP ON CHECKIN' AS TO T'COLOUR SEE, IT'S GOIN' BROWN, IT'S NEARLY DONE THEN WHEN THE FIRST SIDE'S BROWN ALL OVER JUST PULL IT OFF AN' TURN IT OVER BLOODY 'ELL, IT'S 'OT, I'VE BURNT MI THUMB!
ha he haa, you just swore, I just 'eard you! Just like I thought, you didn't last so long, I knew! WELL IT WAS 'OT! You broke yer word You said you'd stop IT BLOODY 'URT! IT'S ONLY ONCE no twice cos you said.. THAT'LL DO!
(no rhythm) Go on Billy, tek yer toast up to yer room now before yer father warps yer mind! it's halright mam, I don't want to go to 'ell, it burns you there, so I won't swear do they 'ave postmen in 'ell? cos we could write to mi dad from up in 'eaven, couldn't we? Say goodnight son g'night mam, g'night dad! G'NIGHT LAD!
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