Where to find all the stories...
Below you'll find a listing of ALL THE STORIES as they appear in the 25-CD Bradshaws Collection, along with short synopses to give you a clue as to what the stories are about (they're only clues, mind!), plus audio snippets from each album.
The Bradshaws 25 CD Collection
Phew! 300 stories and here they are in their altogether. I hope you'll get years of pleasure from listening to them....
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Taste of The Bradshaws - 15 Track Compilation
Featuring Bradshaws songs and sketches, and Buzz's unique comic songs like Sadie, The Raji Singsong, Country Billy Gerkin, Father Fanakerpan and many more
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The Bradshaws An All That Book
Filled to bursting with daft bits, did-they-really-do-that bits, ohh-you-can't-say-that bits and bits from that nearly-gone era of all our yesterdays.
BUY HERE +All CDs are available from The Corner Shop.
And with more than 300 Bradshaws stories to go at, there are lots of CDs!
Of course, you can buy the 25 CDs individually, or you can go for the complete Designer Box Set (as shown). The choice is yours. Perhaps you wish to introduce somebody to the family, in which case 'A Taste of the Bradshaws' is a great choice with 16 tracks chosen by fans.
VISIT OUR CORNER SHOPHere's the complete list...
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Wot Woz It Like In The Holden Days?
Alf is being witty about how old Audrey is and somehow talks himself into a trip to the zoo.
2. The Monkey With The Funny Coloured Bum
All is sweet and nice at the zoo until little Billy meets a baboon.
3. God's Spy 'Ole
Even a cheerful tuneful Audrey can't resist putting her two penn'orth in when Alf has a go at God.
4.Mam's Thighs
Alf has finally rolled his sleeves up for some DIY, Billy is still mitherin' of course, and Audrey can't take a joke.
5.Two Wheelers, Influence & Wee
Sunday for Alf starts with eggs and bacon but this one ends with sewage and sticklebacks.
6. Ragbone & Dad's Brown Mac
His old brown mac may only be fit for the bin but it's worth more than a bow and arrow to Alf!
7. Marbles
Billy's skill with marbles leaves a lot to be desired so dad gives him some tips. It turns out that Billy is a bit of a flirt as well.
8. Fixing The Window
Replacing broken windows, putty throwing and make-up artistry - is there no end to Alf's skills?
9. Bonfire Night
There's no rest for the wicked tonight as Billy pesters dad into making him a Guy Fawkes - just to throw on the fire!
10. Fog & Dad's Bike Lamp
It's a real pea-souper and Billy 'borrows' dad's bike lamp to explore, only to have a row with a lamp post.
11. Can I 'Ave A budgie?
In his quest for a budgie Billy doesn't understand the word 'no'. He finally settles for a zedgie ... a 'zedgie'??!!
12. Dad's Coat & The Scruffy Dog
"I can't have a budgie and I can't find a zedgie ... " thinks Billy, "so I'll catch a pigeon!" But what with?
Snippets of Volumes No.2 ~ No.25 below
(Use the accordions below to expand each Bradshaws volume snippett, just press on it or click it!)
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. The Tooth Fairy
His loose tooth could earn him some money but, even so, Billy won't let dad pull it out. Bollards Audrey!
2. Split The Kipper
Michael Morris and the games boys play and final proof for Audrey of why males are stupid - it's all here.
3. Taking The Plaster Off
You'd think they would design plasters that stay sticky even when they're dipped in school dinners!
4. Hiccups
Even the hiccups can't shut Billy up but, even so, Alf has a lot of fun trying to cure them for him.
5. Good Mood Or Bad Mood?
Billy and his mam work very hard to change a happy Alf into a grumpy one. And they succeed!
6. The Runaway
When you're only nearly eight and you're caught trying to smoke rolled up paper, running away seems a good option!
7. Wot's Yer Belly Button For?
Here's a lesson in the many uses of a belly button - but be careful you don't end up in the old tin bath.
8. The Old Tin Bath
Audrey drags it in from the backyard and fills it with a small pan, Billy takes the plunge, and Alf takes the Michael!
9. Chapped Legs
Rolled down wellies may well look cool, but red rings round your legs feel hot!
10. Will You Fix Mi Roller Skate?
Alf and granddad have gone to the pub for a livener and need a lie down when they get home.
11. Dad's Black Eye
Oh dear! Alf is used to waking up with a hangover but this time he's got a shiner too! What happened?
12. The Snowball
It's playtime for the boys as the snow piles up in the Bradshaws backyard. And Alf forgets to duck.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Empty Bottles
Billy wants a bubbly gum but he's been sent for corned dog, woodbines, swan vesta - and he'll never bemember all that!
2. Bent Cigs & Corndog
Alf is waiting for Billy to fetch his fags but everything is an adventure - even going to the corner shop.
3. Politics & Beans
The boys are talking about politics and other intellectual matters, and Audrey brings them back to basics.
4. The Clubman Cometh
Now and then into everybody's life comes an unwelcome caller and then it's time to hide behind the sofa!
5. Tea-Time
Audrey's haute cuisine consists of wrong-shaped peas and cardboard pastry - but at least the rice puddings hot!
6. Whit Walks
Whit Week is the time for processions, brass bands, pipe bands, new clothes and money from your auntie.
7. Love Letters
Ooh, romance is in the air in the home of the Bradshaws -and tears too, as dad teases Billy over his letter writing.
8. Pickles
Memories of S.W.A.L.K. (and a few you might not know) stir the floozie in Audrey, and Alf's defence is eating pickles.
9. Mam's Headache & Rickers
Poor Audrey is suffering so Billy's rhythm and Alf's usual compassion do nothing to help.
10. Heaster Heggs
Billy and his mam dabble in a little seasonal craftwork and dad explains why eggs are egg-shaped.
11. Fun At The Fair
Poor Alf is dragged, moaning, to the travelling fair and bravely takes a turn on the big wheel - a turn for the worse!
12. Two Balls
There are games for boys, and games for girls, and games for boys and girls together. Alf gets ideas.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Vimto Lollies
After an hour on the lav, a refreshing ice-cream is just what is needed. A lolly with a bit missing doesn't do it for Alf.
2. As Alf As A Newt
After a good gargle Alf is up for a singsong and Billy would love to hear him. Audrey has other ideas.
3. Sleeping Out
Pyjamas in his dufflebag and wearing clean underpants (with a big fly'ole!) little Billy is off to Michael's.
4. Lying In
It's lovely and snug in mam and dad's big bed until Alf does a crafty one!
5. A Mouse's Tale
With Billy on another planet and his mam standing on a chair, Alf sets out to block up the mouse's hole!
6. Family Album
School photos are not cheap but Billy is worth spending on just this once. So let's have a look at the other photos!
7. Tupenny All-Off
Slack underpants and a haircut by Audrey-the-demon-barber all add up to fun and games for little Billy.
8. Kites & Woodpeckers
Billy trades a bit of naughty gossip for the price of a kite and Audrey's all of a fluddle. Enter Alf the kitemaker!
9. Dirty Washing
Pets, rainhats and parachutes, Betty Morris and the coalman, more than enough to keep Audrey occupied.
10. Home & Aways
Poor Alf just wants to listen to the wireless for the football results. In the Bradshaws house? No chance!
11. Art For Art Sake
Little Billy Rembrandt is keeping his paintbrush wet by dipping it in dad's false teeth jamjar - happy days!
12. Press-ups & An' All That
Despite (or is it because of?) a few hard-earned pins Alf can still do his press-ups - with sound effects!
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Lumber In SlumberSometimes a man can't do right for doing wrong - and being asleep at the time is no excuse either!
2. Liver & Honions
A quiet chat around the dinner table is a civilised thing to do. Quiet?.. chat?.. civilised?.. maybe next time.
3. Audrey Tries Her Luck
Audrey is collecting Acdo box tops to try and win a trip to 'Torremonalisa' for 'Penis Colorados' by the pool.
4. Postman's Knock
High drama in the home of the Bradshaws as Audrey gets a winning letter!
5. Fluff In The Loft
Ooh er! You never know what you might find when you go rooting about in the attic!
6. The Waiting Game
When Alf hogs the outside lav, Billy has a pee in the grid. Never mind Audrey, boys will be boys!
7. Morecambe Deadline
When trains had no corridors there was no escape from strangers - so this particular dead lady couldn't escape.
8. Keeping Your Head Down
The Bradshaws made friends on their holiday - so why do they hide when 'friends' knock at their door?
9. Down The Entry
When their new 'friends' won't give up and go it's time to escape, but Ada Woods almost blows their cover!
10. Settee Secrets
There are some strange things to be found down the back of a settee.
11. This Sporting Life
It's sports day at Billy's school, and Alf has plenty to say about the competitors and teachers too.
12. Parlour Games
Billy gets a visit from Winifred Dutton and, after a few minutes in the parlour, gets a taste for girls games.
PURCHASE VOL.5 HERE
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Humpty Dumpty
There are some things we have to do as a child to gain wisdom, and falling off a wall on your head is one of them.
2. Penny Blacks & Penny Arrow Bars
When a child says 'touch black no swops back' it's as good as a contract - unless Alf is your dad!
3. Don't Say Circus
Billy is warned not to annoy his dad by mentioning the 'you know what', but Alf fancies the girl in the leotard.
4. Piling On The Agony
In order of importance, being chased by a dog or not being able to build a blanket tent, relief from piles is top.
5. When Playing Out Was In
Hopscotch, heading a ball on the wall until you go daft, and tucking your frock in your knickers - proper fun!
6. Little Lodgers
Here's an occasion we'll never forget - brace yourself for the nit comb treatment!
7. The Wood In The Hole
Billy and Audrey are going in and out of the house like a fiddlers elbow but no-one ever shuts the door.
8. A Touchy Subject
Audrey finds a rude drawing in Billy's bedroom and decides it's time Alf had quiet word with him.
9. A Woman's Lot
Mam seems a bit grumpy and Billy thinks it's because he nicked all the raisins, but Alf knows better.
10. If
Seeing as she can't afford to buy a new frock, she's off to Betty Morris's to sew one up - unfortunately for Alf, without Billy.
11. A Push Too Far
New neighbours in the street provide Billy with a new friend - and he's not as soft as Alf thinks!
12. No Match For Alf
It's the school footie match and the kids parents have turned out to cheer them on. Of course, Alf is the loudest.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. The Mind Boggles
Billy has homework to do and Audrey very kindly offers to help - with some interesting answers.
2. School Baths
You'd think Billy would be looking forward to going swimming - but would you, in knitted trunks?
3. Tread Carefully
When there's a smell of muck around Billy's feet, mam and dad think it's on the outside of his wellies - oh no it isn't!
4. Strictly Speaking
Alf fixes the ewbank, gives Billy a lecture on discipline, and gives Ada Woods both barrrels.
5. Sunday Names"
Hanty Pamela has managed to wind Alf up again, and it sparks a debate on nicknames - so what is Audrey short for?
6. We Know What You're Doing
Billy and Michael come home unexpectedly and mam looks flushed. Too young to notice?
7. Female Logic
The outside lav has frozen because Audrey removed the lagging from the pipes, for a perfectly good reason. Eh?
8. Give Them A Wave
The lad needs a good scrub but it's too late to drag the tin bath in. It's a stand-up wash in the sink for you Billy!
9. No Laughing Matter
Alf persuades Hanty Pamela to leave by firing off a couple of good reasons - and Billy gets a fit of the giggles.
10. Collecting
Most children collect things for a hobby and, as most parents were children once, it isn't surprising that they did - or is it?
11. Eccles Cakes
Poor Alf! He can't even have an eccles cake without somebody taking a bite out of it.
12. Tongue Twisters
Billy's having trouble getting his tongue round some words, and Alf manages it without his teeth.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Early Birds
The darkest hour is just before dawn. Especially when people nick your toast and tea before you go to work!
2. Horse Sense
Waste not, want not. That's the motto as Alf wanders through the house with a prezzie from the ragbone man's horse.
3. Being A Darer
Audrey gets no thanks from grandad after taking his dinner round, and then gets touchy as Alf winds her up.
4. All Mod Cons
Billy gets a dinky car from mam and there's a prezzie for Alf too - a special ashtray.
5. Wet Keks & Aniseed Balls
Fun and games with massive knickers and huge underpants as the clothes rack falls on Audrey's head.
6. Taters
Alf may well struggle to carry home a big bag of spuds, but he's still in trouble for treading on Billy's dinky car.
7. A Round Meal
Billy gets a pat on the back from dad as he depth charges his submarine in the sink - and swallows a marble!
8. Just Passing Through
It's going to take a few doses of castor oil to shift the marble but Alf won't be watching out for it.
9. Toy Fighting
Billy's being quiet for a change and it makes Alf nervous. He picks at him until it ends up in a fight.
10. After The Fire
It's the morning after bonfire night and Billy and his pals have been poking through the ashes for treasure.
11. Wrap Up
It's a thrill for Billy to be going to the match with his dad, and Audrey wants to make sure he's dressed up warm.
12. The Last Straw
Well, it had to happen. Alf has pushed Audrey too far and she's leaving, taking Billy with her. Well nearly!
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Playing Chicken
We've all played knocking on doors and running away - 'running away' being the key words!
2. Rudiments
Billy's piano playing and singing is like a fork on a plate for Alf - and the fun starts when Audrey joins in.
3. Auntie Pamela's Jumper
Prezzie come in all sizes but when Audrey's sister knits them, they come in all shapes too.
4. A Helping Hand
Alf finally gets round to painting the woodwork - and then Audrey and Billy decide to help.
5. The Posh Cat
Alf's armchair snoring tempts Billy down from bed to tell mam about a kitten going for free.
6. Wotsisname?
Who would believe it? Billy finally gets a pet! - But what shall we call it?
7. Open Wide
Oh dear! Someone leaves the door open and the kitten is nowhere to be found.
8. Puddled
It's pouring down outside and Billy's pal Michael comes in to dry off. But he's a soft target for Alf.
9. A Baisinful
Tonight it's a treat as Audrey is sent off to the chipshop in the rain while Alf butters his bread - and margarines theirs.
10. Taking The Ball In
Alf whacks Billy's ball and, being on elastic, it comes straight back and whacks him in the nethers.
11. Beetle Drive
Old terraced houses have more than humans living in them. Billy and dad prepare to surprise a few creepy crawlies.
12. Over The Top
Little boys have great fun weeing up instead of down and Billy and his pals get it right over the school yard wall!
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Wash Carts & Hand Carts
Audrey's wash-cart has a wobbly wheel, and Billy gets a grilling from his dad about stolen fags!
2. God Bothering
The Salvation Army Band are on the march and the family are out to enjoy them - well, two out of three.
3. Pitch Black
The sun melts the tar and Billy pops pitch bubbles with a lolly stick - and ends up with a sticky black willy.
4. Folies Backyard
It's showtime in the backyard with mam and dad watching the little thespians - Don't be so vulgar!
5. Holiday Fun
When the penny arcade gets boring you can always stay in the caravan and play cards - Heads Alf wins, tails you lose!
6. No Flies On Alf
All good things have to end and it's home they go - but what's all that buzzing in the house?
7. Itchy Bum
* Audrey's off to Aunty Pamela's and Alf's looking forward to minding Wittering Willy? - I don't think so!
8. Sweet Dreams
Even after mam sings a lullaby, Billy can't get to sleep. Enter dad to tell him a story.
9. Pull Up A Pew
The Bradshaws are in church to watch Uncle Wally One-ball get married again - I hope God's got a sense of humour!
10. Monopoly Night
Alf has a flair for big business as Audrey asks for 'tick', and Billy has a wobbler - but revenge is sweet!
11. Guessing Games
Alf has actually bought Audrey a birthday present and Billy is sworn to secrecy - yeah, sure!
12. Different Worlds
A visit to the outside lav can be an adventure - especially when the pipes are frozen.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Zippa Dee Doodah
When your mam catches you weeing in the grid, you pull your zip up quick - but put your willy away first!
2. A Chip Off The Old Block
Forecasting the weather is not one of Alf's strong point, as father and son stroll back from the shop.
3. Down To The Wood
Alf has a new toy to play with. Problem is, they're hair clippers - and poor Billy gets to be the guinea pig.
4. Teef & Toytoises
"Can I have a toytoise?" - a reasonable question. "N. bloody O." - a reasonable answer.
5. Twinkletoes & The Water Buffalo
Audrey's waitress service gets an order for 'bung on toast', and Alf says no to a dance.
6. To Sleep Or Not To Sleep
A late night cheese feast sends Billy sleepwalking, and Audrey sets the alarm - so they can have a lie-in?
7. Shove Ha'penny
Granddad gives Billy an old board game and tells him all about the local fleapit.
8. Outdoor Pursuits
A daytrip to Blackpool to take in the sights - a 'hairy mary', peeing off the pier, and a couple swapping spit.
9. Man's All Heart
A tipsy Alf backs a winner and treats the family - to a hair-do(?) and something off the ha'penny(?) tray.
10. Who's For Pudding?
After three mojos, some kali and a spanish, Billy can't eat his tea - but he's still hungry for pudding.
11. Nuts & Razors
When a bald coconut and a blunt razor turn up together, there's only one suspect!
12. A Little Bit Of Privateness
Billy is on guard duty while mam gets in the tin-bath, but dad just won't stay out.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Jumble Sale
Billy Bradshaw and best pal Michael Morris are selling some of their old toys but when Alf tools are sold, expect trouble!
2. Blowing Your Own Trumpet
Music practice develops into a bugle-blowing contest and dad nearly has a cullinary trombonist,
3. Embrocation Wrong Location
The lad's bike-weary legs get some T.L.C. from Alf, but there are some places to keep clear of Fiery Jack!
4. Just For Luck
Wittering Willy is really on form, and Audrey gets a lesson from Alf on how to get rid of mithering gipsies.
5. Bye Bye Tater Pie
After fixing Billy's bike Alf is hungry. But Audrey has plans for a communal diet that doesn't include pastry!
6. Gobstopping
Sherbert dip is a favourite with little Billy but a gobstopper gets Alf's vote - especially cos it's going in Billy's gob!
7. No More No Thanks
The gobstopper has worked and talking is a struggle, but it doesn't stop Billy's ears from wagging.
8. One On One Off
Audrey is off to town, shopping for camping stuff for the lads. Who's nicked her other stocking, I wonder?
9. Dangling Spiders Mysterious Holes
Toy soldiers dangled on a string from an upstairs window can sometimes look like spiders.
10. A Good Game
Let's hear about games invented by girls just for snogging practice, and Alf's cure for chapped lips.
11. Pumptures, Pain & Pot Dogs
Billy's punctured tyre is fixed and off he zooms - mind you don't hurt yourself Billy!
12. More Sweet Dreams
School camp, packed cases, jam butties, tin mugs, lassitude and longlitude - the stuff of dreams.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Motor Biking
Audrey has her toe nails, Alf has his motor-biking memories, and Billy has something to look forward to.
2. Is It Catching?
When Billy gets a 'nedache' mam thinks it's mumps, and dad wishes it was lock-jaw.
3. Upstairs Downstairs
The lad's in bed and nurse Audrey is up and down like a merry-go-round(?). Alf goes up to tell him a story.
4. Wind & Witches
Audrey tells us about the woman with one leg, Billy says he's got a spell on him, and Alf says "Bloody Halloween!"
5. Birthday Boy
There's a surprise welcome, a cake with too many candles, a sugar mouse, and an ungrateful dad.
6. Getting Up Yer Nose
Pooh! Alf dries his boots in the oven and Audrey doesn't get the joke.
7. A Latch Lifter
Uncle Wally One-ball gives Alf a lesson on how to drink for free.
8. Cardboard Feet & Providence
Swimming baths, snake belts, shoes with holes in, the clubman and clothes on tick.
9. Baths & Aftermaths
The lads are squeaky clean after a trip to the baths but Alf finds himself juggling soot!
10. Revenge Is Sweet
It's dark at night when someone nicks your bike lamp, but cabbage and ribs brighten things up for Alf.
11. Sissy Girls
Let's hear it for slack underpants, Farmer Farmer, egg and chips, willies, and poking girls.
12. Balaclavas & Bommy Wood
Audrey knits a daft hat while Alf reminisces, and Billy can't wait for treacle toffee.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Stranded Alf
Oh dear! Dad isn't amused when Billy sets fire to the lavatory paper - But Audrey is!
2. Fleabag
On every outside lav roof there sits a cat - and this moggy is no friend of Alf's.
3. Affable Alf & Draughts
Audrey is amazed but not amused when Alf plays with Billy and creates draughts of his own.
4. Ooh Men!
Condensed milk butties for Billy as he plays with his fort, and dad chucks an injun on the fire!
5. Saturday Matinee
Frozen Jubblies, pea shooters, projectionists with allopoecia, and washing dustbins. Variety is the spice of life.
6. Chicken's Feet & Alf's Hands
Billy makes room for new toys as Christmas approaches, and chases his mam with a chicken's foot.
7. Penny Wise
Alf's New Year resolution is to give up 'being so generous', and he teaches Hit an' Dob and how to play Pitch and Toss.
8. Up The Ladder
Dad has to go up a ladder to unblock the gutter - and to flash his tea and sugar through a split in his trousers.
9. Life Is A Circus
It's a family outing to see lion tamers, dogs that jump through hoops, and to feast on creamy bonbons.
10. Shilling In The Meter
Audrey loses her meter money on a horse - courtesy of Alf, who walks into Billy's booby trap.
11. First Up Best Dressed
Out comes the family album with photos of strange relatives and girls in football boots.
12. On The Rack
Audrey's nice new perm is wasted on Alf as water drips down his neck - cos Billy has nicked the washing line.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Cock O' The Class
It's off to the corner shop for suet, dolly blues and flypaper, but Billy doesn't want to meet the school bully.
2. Other Dads
Alf isn't top of the best dads list, something has chewed the sugar bag, and it's that rain what wets you.
3. Bingo Night
Audrey shares her winnings - but not with Alf. And we think that bloody mouse night be back again!
4. Return Of The Mouse
It's back!.. so Audrey and Billy stand on chairs while Alf tempts it with chocolate button and tests the trap!
5. Whips & Tops & Wobblers
Dad gets no peace on the outside lav, not even when Little Orphan Annie runs away.
6. Gentle Persuasion
Tea is postponed as Alf tempts the runaway home, and net-curtain Nelly gets a broadside.
7. How Teachers Teach & Teapots Stand
Schools break up and Alf gets on his high horse about education - or the lack of it.
8. Tricks Of The Trade
Aw! Father and son do some woodwork together - well sort of - and Audrey's table is re-designed.
9. Cutting Corners
Alf's promise of some nifty French polishing sends Audrey to the shop for some onions.
10. Twenty Questions
There is no rest for the wicked as Audrey keeps waking Alf up to see if he's still alive, and Billy witters on and on (and on).
11. Eye To Eye
A trick telescope doesn't tempt Alf, so Audrey demonstrates it for him.
12. Rubadub Alf
Picture the scene: a hot tin bath in front of a blazing fire containing Alf with his socks on.
13. Easy Peasy Song
This little song was previously released on 7" single and it got to 109 in the charts! - play it for the kids.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Tea & Sympathy
Billy is swopping bubbly gum, while Alf needs some Fennings Fever Cure and some Woodbines for a good cough.
2. Legless Tommy
What with Uncle Wally One-ball and Tommy No-legs, Audrey has some interesting relatives!
3. Pawnshop Saga
Audrey redeems a pawn ticket, Billy gets broken biscuits, and Alf has a bone in his leg!
4. Checkmate
While the men play chess (well that's the plan) Audrey watches her washing blow off the line
5. No Rest For The Wicked
A kip on the sofa would be nice but Wittering Willy and Moaning Minnie just won't shut up.
6. Bob-A-Job
Blacking shoes and drinking grannie's medicine were good enough for Alf but Billy uses his own initiative.
7. Show Up Show Down
The old brown mac gets an airing when Alf pulls it out of the dustbin.
8. Battle Royal
Audrey goes on strike for better conditions and applies a little blackmail.
9. On Night Turn
When dad's on nights the world has to creep about all day so as not to wake him. Fat chance!
10. Whistling Another Tune
Today's concert includes Good King Wenceslas, Hitler has only got one, all played on Michael's snotty recorder.
11. Stirring Things Up
Poor mam is soaked, so it's dad who prepares the little fellah for a stand-up wash in the sink.
12. Crossbar Crisis
Billy has cut his knee and has bits of road in it, so Alf shows him how to ride his bike - until the chain comes off!
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Tin Hats ∧ Hard Times
How to make a lolly stick glider, and how not to light a fire.
2. Crash Diet
Billy and Michael break a chair but as long as no-one sits on it, it'll be ok. Then, enter Ada Woods.
3. Benevolent Alf
Dad's unusual burst of generosity turns out to be a figment of his imagination.
4. Departure Day
The family are off on holiday by bus and train, leaving the house clean and tidy - just in case of burglars.
5. On The Prom
Iced lollies, water wings, a bucket and spade, and a goldfish in a bag with a cigarette hole in it.
6. Home At Last
Mam's got the suitcase, Billy's got the goldfish, and Alf's got to climb in through the bedroom window.
7. Cabbage & Ribs & Oil Cloths
Audrey cooks food to put a road through you, Alf looks forward to tomorrow, and Billy's got a whizbang!
8. Too Many Cooks
Instead of letting him get on with it, Audrey and Billy lend Alf a hand to strip the wallpaper.
9. Keep On Running
Threading newspaper squares on string is a must after Billy eats some special chocolate.
10. Zorro
With a mask and a sword and a tea towel for a cloak, Billy leaves the mark of Zorro!
11. Our Gang
Why Billy has a tattoo, why a 'zed' is not a 'y', and why dogs get stuck together.
12. Firewood Tuppence A Bundle
Dad helps Billy tosave up - well it's hard to spend an I.O.U.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Hamerica
It's cowboys and injuns, chewing gum and skyscratchers, soldiers and nylon stockings, and more besides.
2. Waterworks
Water pistols at the ready, aim, fire! Billy ambushes his dad in the bog and Alf plans his revenge.
3. Hammered Nails
Alf finally gets round to fixing the stair carpet, and the cupboard shelf, and nailing Audrey's head back on!
4. The Wrigleys
What starts off with the price of a 'hice-cream' finishes up with a chat about the birds and the bees.
5. Keep A Secret
It's hard not to lick the bowl after mixing a cake, and it's harder to keep the cake a secret when it's your dads birthday.
6. Broken Hearts & Absent Friends
Valentine's day has arrived without a card for Billy - or Audrey (as usual).
7. If The Cap Fits
All Billy wants to do is read his Beano comic, but trouble looms when mam gets the wrong end of the stick.
8. Bellyaches & Long Grass
Sympathy for Billy isn't forthcoming from Alf - or Audrey, when she finds out he's been playing with fire!
9. Wind-ups & Cock-ups
Alf gives the new neighbour a helping hand with her big chest, and gets himself in trouble with Audrey.
10. Two Shoes Too Big
Poor Billy's new shoes are killing him but he has to break them in for the weekend processions. It's female logic!
11. Back To School
The old treadle machine is clacking away as Audrey makes some new shirt cuffs out of Alf's old fart flap!
12. Blue Alf ∧ Cardinal Red
Billy is in the wars with a scraped knee, but that doesn't stop a rollicking from Audrey for swearing.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Rice & Dobbers
Something as small as a grain of rice shouldn't hurt - but it does when it comes out of the end of a pea-shooter.
2. Porky Pies & Highland Flings
Alf's braces make a great catapult. That's alright as long as Alf doesn't find out!
3. Goofy Giblin
Pomegranates, old flames, and standing on your head - there's a lot to talk about.
4. Fathers Day & Crafty Alf
It takes a devious mind to get what you want by convincing somebody that it was their idea.
5. Grinders, Moodies & Ostriches
The scissors have been sharpened by a man who was held ostrich in the war. Discuss.
6. Jujus & Getting The Hump
When it comes to sweets, we all have a favourite colour, but we don't always get the one we want!
7. Confetti Kerfuffle
Audrey had a lovely time at a wedding, so crying is reasonable. Billy preferred the fight that broke out, though.
8. In At The Deep End
Billy waits impatiently for dad to take him and his pals to the baths - but a watched clock never boils, does it?
9. Southport Safari
If you go to see the sea at Southport, be prepared for a long, long walk.
10. Sunny Side Of The Street
When summer sun shines on a terraced street, it's time to put your cozzie on and sit in a bowl of water.
11. Minding Their Business
For some dads, the answer is 'no' before they hear the question. This dad is no exception
12. The Party's Over
Pass The Parcel, Find The Thimble, Blindman's Bluff, Pin the Tail On Audrey - whose idea is that, I wonder?
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Artistic Temperature
We get a rare glimpse of Alf's creative talent when he draws a picture, but Audrey just can't see it.
2. Sugar & Spice
Sugar butties can be messy and Billy is sent out to play with his spud gun - but no more chips with holes in!
3. Only Joking
School is closed for voting and Billy is at home playing jokes on his dad.
4. Canteen Santa
Billy goes to a childrens' party at dad's works, and meets some shady characters - including four-eyed Joyce.
5. Apple Pie & Custard Tins
There may well be lumps in Audrey's custard but Billy finds the powder tins useful - as stilts.
6. The Visitor Fleas
Billy's Hanty Pamela paid a visit and Alf won't admit that she might have won that round.
7. When You Die & Ghosts
Hibernating tortoises look dead, and Hanty Pamela's back again to measure up for woolley jumpers.
8. Glass On The Wall
Billy catches his mam doing a Nosey Nora, and catches his dad standing on the newly cleaned doorstep.
9. To Hell With Alf
Billy gets excited about the forthcoming school nativity play, and Alf has a rant about religion.
10. Coca Dip & Lanry
In the absence of his spends, Billy enjoys a home-made treat - then Audrey comes along.
11. A New Leaf
Christmas approaches and Audrey looks forward to some shop-window-looking.
12. A Firm Hand
Ducks like the rain so they'll be playing out says Audrey - it's a walk in the park for the family.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Out Of Tune
Alf fixes his bike in the house and hears all about a free posh piano that would look nice in the parlour.
2. Upright & Bendy
An irresistable force (Billy and Audrey) meets an immovable object (Alf in his armchair) ooh er!
3. The Lost Chord
Alf and Joe finally return with the piano and give the street a bawdy song.
4. Awkward Questions
Some little boys' questions are better answered by dads, but by then we've forgotten what the questions were.
5. Tiggy Off The Ground
Jumping on and off window sills is great fun but, when dad says come in, come in!
6. The Strains of Tea
Billy cuts his finger on dad's razor and, if that not enough, he's been fishing with the tea-strainer!
7. Bogeys ∧ Custard
Audrey is baking so talk of bogeys isn't welcome - it's ok though, it's a bogey that you ride on.
8. Nine Into Six Doesn't Go
It's a treat for Audrey's (don't mention it!) anniversary, and Billy's staying at Grandad's.
9. Wet & Windy
Never mind the weather, it's amazing how many times Billy can mention chips when he wants some.
10. Just Horsing About
Exciting times as Audrey volunteers Alf for the school pantomime.
11. Dwarves & Hangovers
Time for a fitting for Billy's dwarf hat and a postmortem after Alf's drunken night.
12. Revolutions
New Year resolutions? Alf can't think of anything he needs to improve - it's hard being perfect!
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Happy Days
Mithered Alf tells Audrey where to go, and she tells him the wallpaper's upside down and his tea's in the chippy.
2. All Ears
When we listen to people talkng about us, we don't always like what we hear - and Alf gets a talking to.
3. Stick-on Soles
Why take your shoes to the menders - cobblers! - when Alf can do it for nowt? If only he had a penknife!
4. Merrylegs & The Brewcan
Alf wants some of the rebate from the gasman, but all he gets is Vimto in his brewcan.
5. The Great Debate
Theirs may be an outside lav but at least Audrey can chat to next door while she sits there.
6. Spanish Magic
Billy loses the change from the shop and forgets to wipe the spanish from round his mouth.
7. No Hiding Place
As small as he is, Billy can't quite fit behind the sideboard - and dad wants a word about a broken window.
8. Surprise Surprise!
If a case-ball 'haccidenkly' hits Billy on the toe and 'haccidenkly' breaks a window, is it his fault?
9. Alf's Savings Bank
The coppers have disappeared from Billy's jam jar and he needs it for a valentines card. Aw dad!
10. Common Cold
Having a cold is a sharing thing so Audrey has given hers to Alf, and Billy's willy has a post-baths shrivel.
11. Puppies & Hippos
When Billy's pal Kevin gets a puppy, and guess who else wants one?
12. Slushballs & Earíoles
Billy's having an ice-ball fight with Michael, and Alf extolls the benefits of being cross-eyed.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. A Little Misunderstanding
There's a little matter of homework, dirty hands and dirty words.
2. Sir Billy
Billy gets a winger from a girl and doesn't hit her back. Mam says well done. Alf says chuck her in the nettles!
3. Balloons & Newt
Alf gets the blame for a rude balloon and isn't amused at it landing in his dinner. Oh yes, and Billy's got tadpoles.
4. A Minor Eruption
Audrey finds Billy's bugle-blowing irritating - but not as irritating as the boil on her bum!
5. Rubbing It In
After sacking the window cleaner cos Audrey can do better job, Alf puts Dettol on Billy's cut knee.
6. French With Tears
Billy needs a tin for hopscotch and makes Audrey swear - blame it all on the French.
7. Fun In The Tunnel
As Alf sits darning the darns in his socks, conversation turns to thruth, dare, kiss, command or promise.
8. Dressing Up
Clothes maketh the man, but it takes far more than that to get your own way with women. Alf explains.
9. Woman's Trouble
Some women have trouble of a medical kind. Audrey has the Alf and Billy kind.
10. A Present For Audrey
Audrey gets excited when Alf brings a well-wrapped parcel home especially for her. How kind of him!
11. Just An Ordinary Alf
Alf mends a pan that Audrey burnt, while Billy flirts matches and makes a mess with a jam butty.
12. The Length Of A Piece Of String
Billy can't lose his gloves now that they're tied together - but he has to walk like Quasimodo.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Rude Awakening
A dozing dad is an irrisistible target for Billy's pellet flirter, and he isn't laughing!
2. Conkers & Toast
Billy learns how to play conkers without conkers, but Alf's old brown mac is now short of buttons.
3. Something To Look Forward To
Good Friday? What's good about it?.. thinks Alf, when he learns they're going to Blackpool.
4. Alf Splashes Out
It's tea-time and Billy isn't home. Alf finds him near the canal minus one shoe. No worries, dad'll get it!
5. Roughing It A Bit
When it comes to a choice between woodbines and toilet paper, start tearing the newspaper into squares,
6. Swollen Clacker
The poor little lad has swollen tonsils and is entitled to sypmpathy, but not on Alf's armchair.
7. Proper Pooly
Billy is looking forward to a throat cooling icecream, and Alf can't help noticing the pretty nurse.
8. Sawdust & Football
Billy has to mark out the football pitch for the school footie match, and mam and dad come to watch.
9. Pre-match Entertainment
The men are off to a real football match and Audrey needs to make sure they're well wrapped up.
10. On Another Planet
Michael's coming round for tea, but the sight of Alf scares him off - even though Audrey's cut extra chips.
11. Donkeystones & Fishing Nets
Audrey's on her hands and knees again stoning the step, and Billy wants to go fishing.
12. Getting The Point
Falling off the backyard wall could hurt, but not as much as leaving a needle on Alf's armchair.
LISTEN to a snippet HERE
1. Jumping Thru Hoops
They've planned a trip to the circus, but Alf says he doesn't need to go there to see clowns.
2. Brewing Up and Teachers
Billy learns to brew up, but Alf prefers his tea made with hot water - fussy bugger!
3. Keeping The Draught Out
Nailing a blanket up over the backdoor is Alf's solution, but Audrey says no thanks.
4. Trolleys & Alleys ∧ P.O.W.s
It's about keeping your trolleys up, and cutting your throat according to your width.
5. Not Getting The Fever
Billy sails his home-made boat in the puddle and there's talk of the pudding club.
6. Something Missing
Alf needs his fags, Billy needs some chalk, and Audrey needs to get her breath back.
7. Handcarts & Happles
Moving the furniture about for a change is okay as long as you can still get through the door
8. Coppers & Coke
"we fort they was just bombin' it down hanyway cos there was halready a load o' windows smashed in!"
9. Dead Freddie & The Dentists
Goldfish eat a variety of things, but cornflakes with milk? - yuk!
10. Dimp Picking
Billy and his pals have been watching the big lads on their tracker bikes and tormenting a poor old tramp.
11. Not Far Now
Christmas is coming, so Alf says, "You buy me nowt, I'll buy you nowt, we both get the same, and it costs nowt!"
12. All Over Nowt
Audrey has been shop window looking. "Ooh, mi 'ead ís achin' an mi feet are like puddin's!", she says.